Hi. It’s not even 5:30 in the morning Monday, September 28th. I should be training with my man, Jim at 9am. We blocked off two full hours to get some heavy leg work in. While there I will do my best to get this script read out loud and recorded.

Nicky-poo, I’m terribly sorry my fears + your parents + my sisters + the world and my nerves haulted me from admitting to my sisters those two times you called that I do love you. They still won’t hear that. (I’m still hoping you find me)

Emma, I’m glad we spoke about ^ and you understand my ability to care is something I work at, like yours for … scares both of us slightly. We gotta find a way to get you a car. I’ll soon be looking for more one on one help with my mother moving to Maryland.

One of my good friends is getting married on my 33rd birthday, this coming August 28th. I want to find the courage to ask you ahead of time to save the date so we can grow more comfortable around each other.

Delilah, when I heard you were leaving I got scared and canceled today’s session.

Good luck at your new job.

I love all of you and I’m tired of being frightened into saying otherwise. I did speak up for myself in terms of identifying who around me is a toxic influence the other day. I heard about being so honest too. Oh well.

Text me Nik and text me Emmmma! ❤️💪

I LOVE YOU BOTH AND I AM DEADLY AFRAID OF “PEOPLE” overreacting. This is healthy. I hate hiding. Thanks!

Anyone saying sh!t at all about this post obviously hasn’t read it in full! I love everyone, nitwit

I meet with my counselor this Wednesday at 2p. I’m so looking forward to sharing this post! #progress

Ps, Jackie “can be” a BI, Tori is growing up to be just like her and my grandma is insane.

09/29/20

Fluids ✅
Breakfast ✅
Shower ✅
Vlog ✅
Gym NEXT!

AM SESSION:
Treadmill
Fixed Shoulder Pulldowns
Abdomen Crunch
Triceps Extensions

Dear Diary,

NOT communicating is NOT miscommunicating OR a way to build trust.

If I am scared, I’m uncomfortable.

When uncomfortable, I cut people off protecting myself more often than not.

A lot of my “issues” come from people thinking I know what they want. I avoid assuming and I am not a mindreader.

A huge factor in my uneasiness conversing with girls/ being appropriate is for the last 15+ years of my life I’ve been discouraged from and shamed for LOOKING.

Pm SESSION:
Treadmill
Biceps Curls
Flat Bench Press
Preacher Bench Curls

09/30/20

Oh yea… DEAR ANTAGONISTS, I’m glad you’re finally here. Too bad you’re freaking late! Before you say a word, go on get your panties unbunched. Read this whole post again. I’ve stuck to protocol. I used aliases. Stop f#cking around with my output. I’m afraid of all your f#cking asses. Why? Because I write make believe love interests?
If my eyes were closed too, I wouldn’t be making progress either. Today would have been day 2 in a row not waking up and writing but y’all got me hugging my knees again. Progress does not happen staying comfortable. I push the limits as much as I can at all times. Harder the more insensitive you are. Clears my throat, my happy place is imaginary. You can’t even give me that OR READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL..

Progress gets repetitious when you yell, scream, threaten me to get back in my cage week in and week out. (LET IT GO!)

I’m afraid of Jackie. I’m afraid of Tori. (They are distractions AND DRAMA-FILLED). I dare not wake them out of a cold sleep, I’ll be living the whole day afraid of getting my @ss beat.

I can’t even be loving near them. They threaten me.

Mom and Dad even tiptoe around you. I tremble in fear hearing either of you walking down the steps. That’s NOT healthy.

Thanks for accepting my craziness!

It is not okay I am scared to show my emotions. This is me throwing everything at the wall, hoping something sticks.

Plan Moving Forward:

Honestly, if someone is constantly asking me in depth questions about my emotions and stability actually read my posts, they would have all the answers they want.

My therapy and counseling team are about to get into the nitty gritty of teaching me how to be a mature partner in the near future.

I’m the man. Don’t you worry about that..

I need to increase and improve my means of communicating how I feel with loved ones. That scares me. I’m afraid to tell people I love them. I’m afraid of those around me interfering with progress because they are scared of me slipping up.

Like I don’t have enough to worry about… I wish some people felt more comfortable knowing the fact that I’ve not even gotten my toes wet yet. They should be the ones lighting candles, drawing the shades in preparation of the inevitable if they ever want me to have a family. I guess I’ll stay talking to my walls until the awkwardness dissipates enough that I feel comfortable placing a hat over the cameras in hopes of eyes meeting or whiffs of hair sparking interest. I want something, someone else to paint a smile on my face. Replace the vacancy sign with occupied. Taste. My sweatshirt will be yours awnry one.

Just run with it…

10/01/20

Waking up smiling is nice. Drinking a tall coffee is certainly appreciated too. I cannot stop smirking knowing my counselor at least appreciates, appreciated skimming through this weeks post.

I do have a group meeting to attend for hours today but I’m not fretting. I’m letting my true happiness shine. I know I’m doing my part. Anyone showing signs of fatigue is overreacting. I’m in this. Not them

I’m taking ownership of today’s potential and pumping it up!!

I’m in my lane and loving it. I’m staying to myself and letting those who want to get ahold of me to leave a voicemail cause I’m out here flying circles around the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Party like a rockstar! Shoulder lean. All these claps be for me in my head. I’m ok with that. I can minutely lean into my shoulder and create small circles with my joints. Oops! (6:24a)

Gym: 8-9:30

Half of me does want to get out of family directed care and bring in other parties to handle wash and meals. That’s a pipe dream plus they probably won’t assist me in my herbal supplementation (💨) either.

I do use that to relax and rehab my muscles after workouts as well as protein and hydration and rest. I’m too much of a p#ssy to stand up to my family though.
(I have very little control over my own life)(that’s disheartening)
I gotta nap. I have four hours of talking to other ppl to look forward to this afternoon.

People like to hide my coffee, my “medicine,” lighters, my phone among other things.

10/02/20

Ridin’ Dirty
Y’all lucky I have such self-control and I’m honest to a fault. Kind of.
I will call you out on your sh!t so you probably won’t like me at the end of the day but if y’all would be mindful like I’m told to be you’ll let it go.
I have no problem stating I probably have PTSD dealing with the dishonesty of people around me.
Should I let it out and go for the day now? Let me turn the fan on hold up.
Deez girls make themselves look horrible acting like they want integrity, honesty, compassion and understanding.
I’m just glad I tell em I look forward to using them as kindling when I find out how much mutual effort I’m getting back.
I’m over here sharpening my spear rockin’ and leaning.
It’s crazy how much I can see perfectly through such sh!t.

Oh yea.. the art of using aliases is my original domination of the game. Give me that. I hate it though because the I’m still the one carrying tons of lies and disrespect on my shoulders. So when I don’t feel like saving your dignity, I don’t.
Be nicer. It’s time you kiss my ass Di, Dare, Nik, Benny and Fran.

What you fail to see is by smiling and keeping my mouth shut, I look and feel bad. That’s makes me just as fraudulent as you.
If I didn’t use that distaste in my mouth to get ahead I’d be laying on the ground looking up they skirts.
It’s not that hard to be honest or at least tell me what you once swore to was said out of fright.
Covering for others is just as bad as you lying straight to my face too. Thanks!
Lying about company standards, makes 100s of people look horrible so save them that grief too please.

1 banana, 2 eggs, scrapple, coffee, protein.

Hey..
A liar has to have a gooood memory for their SH!T to add up.
FYI, next time you want me to not call you out please let me know. Please offer me something special like yourself, mind, body and soul if you want my lips sealed. I clean out my closet often. If I can’t reach you to discuss sensitivities openly, I’ll put my freedom first. Please read In between the lines at all times. Also let me know when I should because I weigh consequences a lot. That’s why the last girl I would have blitzed got kicked to the curb.
I weighed one night of bliss against a life of anticipated torture, threats, lawsuits and intimidation.

Hence, without any assurance at all, I felt you prepping me to “let it go” meant let my hopes of you ever seeing and wanting me back go. Unsure, I protected myself and put my walls up. Sorry princess. I’m still working to get over that self-sabotage er’ day.
Deez b!tches I call sisters like to fkn hyperventilate over me manning up too.

Gym work today included some:
CHEST PRESS
SHOULDER PULLS
SHOULDER PRESS
BACK EXTENSIONS

“Yea, CUTIE, I was told to stop trying to get ahold of you. I miss you more than the moon on a hot summer day. I wish we could see each other, talk things out and connect. I am too scared of those against the mutual affection to fight this alone. Reach out.”

10/03/20

Angel, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I retracted my love, pulled the rug from under your feet and knocked over that first domino of self destruction. I was told to not contact you (by your parents) and I felt threatened. I’m in therapy for that now. I’m afraid to even mouth the L word around my sisters. They overreact and their dead eyes alone scare the living crap out of me. That’s for real for real.

I’m supposed to line up a family meeting with them and my counselor but I’m scared to death of my sisters jumping down my throat, beating me up and it causing even more strife.

I hardly say a word around either of them anymore. They are angry and always irritated. They are not friendly around me I’ll tell you that much I play by their rules or I don’t talk.

Assistance smoking weed is what they hold over my head more than anything.

That is the reason I can’t and won’t say sh!t. If I upset the flow of how things go now, Jackie won’t bring me any bud. They hold that above me head like it’s life or death because they know I’m a p#ssy and can’t get it on my own. Tori is toxic af. I rely on those two and my mother for assistance in my daily life.

I did do 5 sets of 10 curls with the 15’s this morning.

Soooo…

if you are still actually interested in me after reading through a perfect example of my weekly ups and downs, I’d love nothing more than to explore our potential.

Please understand this post has been compiled with you in mind. I hate feeling like I am hiding the truth and leading people on. Thanks for understanding! I cannot wait to add to somebody special’s life and build with them.

10/04/20

Two HUGE Misconceptions:

1. You are (I am) not being paid to adhere to suggested guidelines. (Dar…)

Stressors “can be” useful. Use that ENERGY!

2. Airing grievances early in the week like this may deplete the urge to dwell on them day in and day out. Here we go:

D: “Ma’am, your inconsistencies are a huge root to my insecurities.

N: “I’m sorry not communicating openly created such drama and headaches for you. I still hope we reconnect every day.”

MM: “I hope you’re getting everything out of life you want.”

(If you’re not on this list please take that as a compliment. I have no issues dragging me down to discuss with you.)

Thanks for the energy to Keep Pushing, Friends! If you want anything more from me I honestly look forward to hearing from you on how I can step up my game. Please avoid sulking until you give me a heads up on what you want.

Princess, please let me going against my own ambitions and writing you directly again go.
This week I plan on conserving my output slightly and amassing a more timely post this Friday.
My heart hurts thinking my actions have anything to do with us not growing more comfortable together.
I am sipping on a tall coffee here at 3:45 Sunday afternoon. I just got done mowing the grass again. It would help sooth my fears/ my tears thinking I brought a single smile to your face.
My muscles are tight. My back is broken and it aches as I crowd the plate rehearsing singing save the date.

If things went my way I would rest assured knowing there’d be no way you could possibly negate me extending the invite. Don’t hate me for eating at and being Wimpy and Dee’s. Without the thoughts of you, my mind is absent. I can hardly walk with a walker and here I am trying to tiptoe through the tulips.
Right now, I could use assured. Possibly nurtured? Cradle me and rock me to sleep. Please girl, reappear, understand my effort now is doubled. Troubled for showing affection, I get grounded by any and all official and un-o-fish-all help. Tell me how to appease ya, please ya and cease all orders to stay away from ya, please. Tell me to pass go and collect 200 before I rob the bank, please. I dream of steamy kisses fogging my glasses, feeling your heartbeat as I reach for a girl to pay it back and show me sweet nothings mean a lot to you too. Time to nap

Honestly, I am currently afraid to show appreciation. I hear about my appropriateness no matter how mature I act around the opposite sex. I get angry eyes looking and brows furrowed saying hi to pretty girls. It is crippling of forward momentum and it makes me doubt how I am perceived.

I got yelled at for being the sweetest teddy-bear version of myself I could be. Being tough had people caging me. Being sad does nobody any good. I heard vulnerability was sexy. I showed my fears. I questioned myself. I acted weak. I’ve gone from one extreme to the other and stumbled in between. I’m tired now. Reassurance I’m not alone is all I ask for. I’m left talking to and asking these of myself most times. Thanks for listening.

I’m sick and tired of being shamed for being as empathetic, soft and caring as I can be. ❤️ you hambone! 😘

10/06/20

While I’m at it,

1. I was kept in the dark throughout the whole time working with these therapists.

2. There was zero resolution on anyone’s part. I am still in therapy for this part.

3. I was left feeling like the *ss.

4. People still assassinate me for having and speaking up for how I feel about people they only know by name.

5. I was and am still held responsible for ruining certain people’s lives. (Ask their parents)

“I can’t get no.. RESOLUTION, REASSURANCE or RESPECT.”

Goodnight!

10/07/20

NOTE: I set out to not post anything new to my blog this week until Friday, I didn’t say anything about not updating my log of emotions!

10/08/20

10/09/20

10/10/2020

Chest
Shoulders
Biceps
Treadmill for SIX MINUTES
0830 ✅💪