Guess What! This is a rough draft.


If I don’t feel comfortable expressing emotions, I’m uncomfortable, I don’t feel “safe,” I often run the other way, I shut down, I get protective, defensive and I take things back. When I feel comfortable, I feel supported, open, free of penalty and free to mess up.

Innocent threats even bother me.  “Pummeling me into the ground,” “kicking my ass until I taste the sole of your shoe,” and alike simply making you visibly upset doing me is such a mountain to climb over I leave beautiful opportunities on their asses because I’m scared, not brave enough and intimidated by nonsensical “supports” not supporting me.  I am not ok with how much I depend on people emotionally.  I hardly want to say boo to over half of my primary assistants.  They’ve never heard of speaking softly to build people up apparently.

Even muttering words of affection is a no go around here.  They flip sh!t when I hint to that word itself.  If that last sentence makes you think, that probably does mean something.  At one time, I was into self-destruction so I denied flesh, myself, others, people I wanted in my life, potential, love, and progress.  I do have a tendency to flee because I feel alone when I can’t get ahold of people without feeling like I’m breaking the law.  Open communication is a point certain people stress when they themselves are the ones unreachable.  That’s frustrating.  

In therapy these days I’m working on my conversational skills but there are topics there that if I go anywhere near them I feel like “I’ll get the sh!t kicked out of me,” the cops will be called in, I’ll lose services, I’ll have to deal with insensitive people even more.. 
There’s a list of words that I can’t even write down without getting a bunch of fury eyebrows, people looking down on me and feeling threatened.  

Recently, I’ve made some “staffing changes” that I Hope bring sensitivity to the topic.  In therapy, I’m also working to eliminate dwelling from my usual go-to’s.  I feel this entry shows progress there.

I really, really, really wish if people wanted to hear me express certain emotions they wanted to hear themselves they tried assuring me.  Maybe even reassuring me.  Telling me I’m safe and supported would have/ will go a long way.

List of taboo terms:
“Love”
“Caring for”
“Affection”
“Intimacy”
“Diane”
“Nicole”
“Sarah”
“Mainline”
“Interest”
“Sparks”

“Resolution” hardly exists when people don’t/ won’t communicate. Resolution in so many cases would change my life for the better.

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