A Little Ditty
Yeah, I’m all ears! Ima be building that life you wanted to be part of while I wait and Hope.
. Intro (draft)
“I’m not going to tell you again, Zack! Get up for school!” “Okay MOM!” Zack heads to the shower.
He eats next, lifts then writes. “Okay Journal, lemme ignite your pages with the touch of my pen..”Lemme prevail by documenting each detail of my life.Lemme pull out each little lady’s chair while I stare at the AC powered lamp catching MY glare.
”I’m nothing but perfection because I actually freakin work at it! I’m more than okay forcing myself to let her go. I hate nothing. Loving people outloud to them anyway is frowned upon by unmindful people.” I BRUSH ‘EM OFF because I deal with enough crap w/ people I can’t even get ahold off. That’s not cool man!”
Stop buggin’ me! Please! This is just a drafted pdf. We don’t need a ref. Do we?Lately, Zack has been learning how to put a cozier, more respectful face on On this particular morning he completed his ADL’s in reverse. He ordered himself to follow through with completing everything on his to-do list.
Meditate on this. He decides to roll the closest piece of lined paper into an incense burner. He scribbles down, “Today I feel pretty good. I want the world to know that my heart beats twice as fast. It’s called a murmur.”
Time to meet up with graduating class, celebrate. Don’t just tolerate, encourage. Thanks.
II. Chapter 1
That coming Monday…
“I’m a drama queen huh!?”
Zack poured with tears waking up this morning. He constantly thinks he sucks. “Is giving her everything she asks for not enough?” “Is it my fault I can only talk to her and work on building trust around her schedule?”
Zack makes his bed and eats egg whites. He raises his left fist over his head hearing the theme song to Rocky playing in his head.
Zack constantly works on everything in his power to step up his game at all times. He wishes he could show people how he uses any and all energy piled up before him
“Maybe if I send her hand written notes she’ll sense my sincerity.. maybe a bouquet of roses..”
Zack likes how proactive he is. He looks up the address of the local farm she insisted was her home and jots down the info. His best handwriting is a mix of chicken scratch and cursive.
He orders and pushes send on the link to get discounted carnations delivered to her. He nearly passed out breathing so fast before confirming his order in his inbox.
Hours, days and weeks go by. He learned to Hope for the best and let things go.
1. Small Conflicts
It’s Zack. Don’t stress out. I’m here for you. This counts as my best attempt to put how I feel into a song. Sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. That’s fine. I put my earnest best effort in daily to empathize with the thoughts of you. I naturally bet against myself daily considering catalogued stats. 🎶
A. Doesn’t know if he should or how to ask her to hang out / on a date
i. Texts her and asks her to hang out
1. She says yes
a. But it could be as friends
b. She’s interested in him
c. She’s free during that time
d. She says yes just to be nice
2. She says no
a. With someone else
b. Busy schedule
c. Doesn’t feel comfortable
d. Trying to hide her real feelings
e. She’s not interested
ii. Not ask her
1. Dwell / regret on it for not asking her
2. Gets mad at Mila
3. Remain friends and not ruin a relationship
4. Mila could ask Zack
b. Zack does not drive
i. Ask for ride
1. Outcome (Positive)
2. Outcome (Negative)
ii. Make plans ahead of time
1. Outcome (Positive)
2. Outcome (Negative)
1. Outcome (Positive)
iii. Stays home
2. Outcome (Negative)
B. Zack does not drive
i. Asks for a ride.
1. POSITIVE OUTCOME: Finds a ride he can trust
2. NEGATIVE OUTCOME: Stranded with no ride
ii. Fails to plan. Does not ask for a ride.
1. POSITIVE OUTCOME: Stays home, humbles himself
2. NEGATIVE OUTCOME: Stranded with no ride, gets upset
Myla, I’m glad we are so open with each other. Every morning anymore I wake up practically sobbing. I want so bad to feel more comfortable with you and others around us.
You could be a doll and try to reassure me sometimes ya know. Maybe hold my hand? Not having a way to communicate, get close or even relaxed in the same room as you is especially draining on my emotions. .
I’m afraid. I’ve never gotten so close to a girl that others are trippin about me screwing up before I even tried anything.
Look at them thinking I would actually “try something!” My eyes are welling as I think about you. Videos of you singing love songs are something I wish I got in my inbox. Just something that let me know you care for me as much as I care for you, or that you would want to explore our potential would be everything and then some
Myla, doll.. do you remember how disheartening I was each time you asked me if I loved you, I was scared. I think getting this out will help me a lot.
“People” threatened me. I so wanted to hear you offering reassurance over my sisters, your boss, my “supports” and my nerves scolding me for showing interest.
I even called your home trying to connect on a private line.. your parents answered the phone. I never got through either of them. Your dad lied to my face on multiple accounts. Your mom scolded me on the phone.
We would have been together, married and starting a family by now I’m pretty sure if I could have found you, come to you when I felt safe.
I even chased a different girl down for months there thinking she was you. You both have the same name and live in the same area you swore you lived at. Those miscommunications only added to my levels of fear.
Thank you for finding me again and encouraging me verbally to express how I felt without fear of persecution.
“Ok, baby, today I woke up just after 4:15 in the morning. I woke up thinking about you as always. I love the freedom and lack of intimidation I’m facing showing my heart this way, on the screen. No more overprotective, insensitive people actually shunning my heart. No more over-bearing sisters or case managers sh!tting their pants because I am able to offer much more than they ever got or received personally. They jealous of anyone I give my best effort to.
Do not ask me why. You’d think being mindful they’d adore my loving embrace, stop making me feel like I’m damned from the start and actually do everything in their power to help me get what I work tirelessly for. You’d also think paying them, $2 a day would be enough buy me some Grace. Sh!t they get paid anywhere from $150/ a day – f#ckin thousands a year to humor me. Oh wel! F#ck them. I win.”
So, moving forward if I EVER put my walls up, say no thanks or appear undeserving, please please please ask me if I’m scared. Offer support. Tell me not to fear your love, body or superiors. Thanks!❤️✅👀💪
Allow me to wallow like fools for a second.. MY instability dates back I FEEL to a period of time where I was told untruths and felt threatened. Sh!t I still feel like I’m going to get BEAT TF UP, lose my insurance, have services revoked and get screamed at for sharing my energy by certain individuals but I have no room to complain. I have a great life. I don’t say that enough but I do.
Thank you cherub for offering to hold my hand and breath some calmness into my soul. I’ve loved you for so long. Imagine for a sec somebody told you I was out of bounds then letting you fall flat on your face with them all still piling on.
Crowned again Queen, you know you are placed in my heart.
I’m nervous about people that have NO IMPACT on my life losing their sh!t.
I would list them all starting at D but I am not encouraged to speak my truth
So, honey or homie, however you know you are cared for and sharing energy
You better keep that sh!t to yourself and not leave me guessing!
I HAVE MUTHA F3CKIN NIGHTMARES dealing with people who surround me. They think I’m insane.. They ain’t seen sh!t!
Hey Ladybug, 🐞
In attempt to rid myself of the recurring nightmare that I wake up to constantly…
As if I didn’t have enough barriers to finding love, I had a willing partner who flees the scene quickly after I went against my wishes and tried to save us both from heartache. I was and am still not comfortable saying words of affection and pleasantry.
Try ASSURING ME BY SAYING DW, YOU’RE SAFE!
Standing Up For Myself Is Something I’m Working On
Thanks for listening with an open heart and staying open to discourse. We got another vote of confidence today! The head-honcho at the therapy outfit I work with, saw the growth and increased comfort adding to my output, BIG TIME!
Today IN THERAPY, I got a lot of positive reinforcement when it comes to my “completely fabricated” love novel about zack and Myla! It is helping me stay focused and “let go.”
TRY EMPATHIZING WITH ME
It’s at this point (you heard the door open), my peace was disturbed and I got yelled at for INVADING my helps privacy..
“Listen Angel, I was and am crazy. My supports scare the hell out of me. I’m so regretful when I think about how intentionally rude I was. No, I put my walls up because I had Bert and Ernie raising a knife to my neck saying make one move. That’s Jackie, Tori, Diane and Darian. I won’t use last names because only I get called out for that sh!t too. Content read love in bold print. We read the material. We were not supposed to but we did. It’s not important now because I’ve never been able to reach you when I felt safe.
I would kill to have you fixing my 4am cups of coffee. I couldn’t run. I was and am a caged, endangered animal and working with these people I’m glad I have some serenity. Not being tempted to make eye contact for too long… You know they watch me through these cameras right? I get yelled at for things I do in “private.”
Then someone they trust says the same exact thing I’ve been saying for years and it must be true now.
Ever been afraid to catch a deep breath around someone?
Oh yea, you ever been told to not feel? That’s a horrible FEELING. Especially when that’s all you’re being coached to do. Nobody being on the same page devastates too.
That’s all they do really whenever I ask for my medicine. They stare and say it’s too early. Don’t start! Good thing I’m freaking mindful. I choose to let go of fears they’re coming to spend 12+ hours with me in a row. They sit on the couch because they know they have it made in the sun and they will get paid.
Fun note: apparently certain individuals get paid more than the ones doing the important work. Your desk job sh!t pays thousands a week I bet. I know I’m ignorant. Be mindful. Let that sh!t, my sh!t go. I told you I was insane in the first line of my poem.
I bet you feel underpaid listening to my bull… you want hailed as you hold everything above my head from medicine to love to generosity. I cry way too much for not shedding tears.
I get yelled at every day.”
I wish whoever I’m supposed to be afraid of saw this already so we can be mindful together and talk these things out.
It is a bit funny to me, I’m the one with real issues here. I hardly talk when I’m spoken to. All these toxic people creating drama are making most of this sh!t up in their heads and blaming me. That’s called projecting.