Today’s Output – Emotional and Intellectual Development Diary (Handling insecurities Brilliantly!)
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Honey, I was afraid to show gratitude. That’s it. If I get in trouble with my “help,” I lose services.
If you’re so open with me, why can’t I even find you?
Yes, I’ll follow the rules until you explicitly tell me how to act differently. If you’re waiting for me to sweep you off your feet, you better let me know I’m safe from penalties.
(Spinning your wheels is a great way to build strength. Enjoy it for a bit!)
Case Study in Self Exploration (SEpl06.12.20)
A Bunch of Recognized Facts That Leave me Spinning
Find this! (Ruminating at its finest!)
At the end of my research, will be (06/12/2020)’s ruminating word for word:
In this piece I aim to clearly distinguish the potential and intentional benefits focusing on the negatives a bit too much can afford you.
What “triggers” you? If somebody intentionally rubs those sticks together just to get to you, do you use that scorch earth, ridicule and throw the kitchen table through the living area glass door, or do you let it add to your embers and growing fire inside?
Now, wouldn’t it be very cool to be able to manage and manipulate those inputs? Guess what. You can. I know I do. I do it daily, sacrilegious-oriented bursts of vengeance. I’ve forgiven myself anticipating the part of my daily routine. It gives me a sense of control over the most difficult emotional barriers I’ve ever faced. Yeah, I’d rather be a lover than a fighter but I find peace in leaving no stones unturned. My personal level of creativity probably does add to the erratic nature of most if not all my creative output.
The road gets rocky! And I look forward to it! Slightly, obnoxiously, I grin at the sounds of papers crumbling and tape being ripped off my walls. I call that exoneration. My work does get seen. Maybe those who listen cry because they feel me bleed. Maybe they don’t. Being on the same page is not the same as being on a level playing field. I’m knocking such abnormalities to the ground daily baby. The dog is out of leash reach. He’s in his home. That’s you getting in the car, turning it on and pulling out.
I can’t do everything for you and HIDE all this.
Boss/ Boss’s Boss,
Don’t act like my testimonials don’t get read please. That is more than likely exactly why I feel so shunned, ignored and burned. Yea, if facts were laid out in front of me so continuously and I still chose to overlook everything, I’d stick my head in the sand too.
For as long as I have entertained your company’s capacity, the whole JV squad played your clients like a dating pool. With these biceps and quads, I’m not surprised either but I still feel let down that you are not holding yourself accountable. Sh!t, I was and am still a frontrunner In that race but it haunts me to this day how much sh!t you gave me and made me feel for not going along with it. That’s all I fkn did. Two of the past pro’s I’ve worked with, did everything they could to sleep with me. They did humor me professing love but I got off so that’s fine. That last dimepiece said she liked hearing me say I cherished her which I still do but considering their secrecy, it was 1 person (me) dating the whole dam agency’s under 60+ employee staff. If you are going to let that slide from this point on, I highly encourage you to type in BOLD in your rules that communication between said clients and said employees is accepted.
How do each of your employees answer to a different rulebook
Ya, but what are you trying to “GET OVER,” Kyle?
I’m feverishly WORKING to get over the fact that I so recklessly burned myself showing my true hesitations and nervousness. Thanks for understanding.
PP – Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.
Now, if I could actually handle, use to diagnose and check out my own ear canals with a personal stethoscope I’d be in a better position to say I can do it all. For now, being my own therapist, own counselor and own accountability coach is more than enough.
Holding my nose and blowing as hard as I can to pop my ears happens to be today’s preventative care. Now, it’s only 0645, so I know most of you are still fast asleep. Wake up!
I’ve already had a cup of coffee. I’m BACK in my room writing. My ear has been stuck up for over a week but being mindful helps me drown out the constant sound of cicadas in my right ear.
Hey Angel.. I spent even less time this morning quilling the sheets I sleep with. I hope you slept well. Take a second, check out the contents of this newer page on my site. It is more of a struggle-bus diary that I’m clearly taking advantage of to the nth. Excuse me for still turning and twisting at night trying to put things into place how we lost each other.
See.. I’m still longing for ya so not much has changed in my life. You are still perched up there, out of reach. Thanks soo much for instilling the purpose and utility of Hoping For can play in life. I’m riding that cloud of hallucinations and dreams of you coming through. I look forward to each day. All you had to do was COMMUNICATE how you felt.
Please don’t tell me I should have assumed you wanted me as badly as I wanted you. I hate looking like an ass. I avoid it at ALL COSTS.
Have a great week, I’ll see you tonight, dreamgirl!
Oh! Guess what! One of the newest add-ons to my team, Miss Courtney loves the tone and healing nature of addressing you in my writing! She SEES the strides.
(That reminds me we gotta step back once in a while!)
Guess what! When I call the only number I have for you and people I don’t even know answer and ask how they can help me then hang up just recognizing my voice, I smile.
People that don’t even know me judging me because bad actors left a bad taste in their mouths is a joke. I’m not worried. I can see them guessing I’m another 50 year old man coming down on their 24 year old daughter. The fact that I only aim to bring joy, harmony and truth to them and I don’t even get a chance is disheartening to the t BUT I let that go.
Tell them I am reaching you. Their defensiveness is totally uncalled for.
In my head, I’m the best version of a God-loving man I can be.”
Listen bruiser, I wanted ya as bad as you wanted me to say yes every single day. No questions did enter my mind when I did revisit the topic of who had my heart every minute of every day. I did not know I could say yes without the emotional support you gave me Tuesday after Tuesday. I bite back tears day after day.
My hopes were that you would call and suggest working on us. You did call. My sister mediated.
My fears about discussing those truths with her are on a whole different scale. I look forward to working on them separately. I wish we could talk though. Maybe discuss how we really feel.
– I’ve been afraid to even show affection since day one. (stares!)
It’s almost hysterical how much my micro-sized chances gets diminished to dust. I can’t even get a FAIR CHANCE.
Only because I COULD TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING.. IF you haven’t even been FILLED IN, I have tried to follow up. I feel like you’re being hidden. That makes me feel like the worst person alive! You know how to reach me and I WISH YOU WOULD (TEXT)!
Oh my gosh baby, there are too many eyes and ears around here for us to even talk about us.
You should have tried comforting me. Maybe try speaking softly, cute, reassuringly. I am not a mindreader. Yea, maybe I should have put clues like you buying me gifts, you watching me use the bathroom every single time together but all I did was share insecurities and you split.
That’s not on me. I tried contacting you. Shit, I’m still following through. I’ll take the blame. Go ahead, list the reasons why we are not together. Was I TOO cautious? Was I TOO open? Was I TOO intentionally vulnerable?
Have you stood up for me to your parents?
I’m hoping for more than ever. I love that. I hope this adds to me letting you go.
PLUS.. I could not get ahold of her AT ALL. Why would I jump into something serious with someone I can’t even get an email back from?
I would have totally loved to be ONE OF YOUR boyfriends if I thought for a second I had a chance.
The ever changing stories are what keep me in suspense. Send my best to the fam! To tomorrow, toots! ✌🏻