My Secret Love

Today, 12/31/2020 I want to voice the fact that successfully connecting intellectually on a personal level with someone is not super convenient for all parties at all times. I understand that.
I do not rush anybody. I’d appreciate though, voices that want to criticize my output to take me by the hand and show me some more efficient ways to charm prospects. ❤️ 💕 ✌🏻
Onlookers agree buying their hopefuls everything is a bit OD. Believe me, I went through that stage buying girls flowers, necklaces and chocolates for years upon years. That was in college. RELAX.
(I see where these friends are coming from)

TALKING THINGS OUT? I want a safe environment to, too. Don’t kid yourself. For as widespread as mobile communications are, people will hide behind conditions that only apply when YOU are trying to reach out. Don’t turn your phone off though. When you can’t be reached you will be found guilty of doing everything you can to avoid confrontation.

I feel bad for harping on this. This causes me insecure feelings that I deal with daily. What some simple reassurance would do for me is beyond my wildest dreams. I can only imagine.

These days, individuals will even get neglectful when creativity is not poised as purely constructive. Yes, I am absolutely referring to blissful poetry written beforehand aesthetically placed next to a cute picture of an approving beauty. That will get damned.

Today 01/02/2021, I’m waking up on a couch. My back’s feeling better than it did yesterday. I am thankful for that. I woke up today and jotted down a few words that made me smile.

I look forward to being assured. I look forward to being reassured. I look forward to Cinderella and I dancing our asses off at the soonest ball! ❤️

I trust and hope anybody that thinks of me (often maybe) texts me soon! I LOVE hoping!

Hi! I welcome you to my INTENTIONAL VULNERABILITY PAGE.

If it helps to hear it, I would love to be told to get comfortable. 🛋Love

Yea b, I get reprimanded for wanting to be held. How the h3ll am I ever gonna be on top of my game without ya influence!? No wonder I’m smiling. 😁

I LOVE YOU, BABY 🥰❤️✅💪!!!

01/03/2021

Yes, Minnie! I still write you daily. I’ve been afraid of getting held responsible for your whole group of friends only giving me sh!t for stuff they ALL do. (1). I also grab my knees when family sees me dialing everything up with “cute” language they don’t approve of.

The TWO times you called and asked for me I had a gun pointed at my head it felt like. Each time I almost said I was leaning towards you, I’d get death stares.

Ask, I’ll show you all my direct parallels. I miss you darling! All I’m holding on to now is hope you text me sometime if it crosses your mind. That way I can actually reply without fearing getting beat up by another girl with the same name’s mom and dad.

Bye!

Ps. I’ve deactivated my dictionary long collection of poetry and stuff for you several times due to fear. They all look like this page, filled to the brim with softly spoken, affectionate and loving language. I’m still holding onto everything working out. Find me! Please!

I was scared to say these things out loud. I still am. I wake up, update this post, write poetry and draw to cope every morning. I still don’t even mouth your name. They don’t like that.

I am pretty certain we’ve both avoided each other at different times. NOT talking definitely didn’t help. I am very very thankful you instilled how crucial Hope is. That should be enough.

It still gets me, all they encourage me to do is develop and understand my FEELINGS then I feel damned for FEELING.

I’ll give that number I have a call today, sure,but when you see my name on your tv for needlessly sending flowers and letters to the wrong girl and ending up charged for flattery, you’ll know why. I’m still dealing with the clan you rolled/ roll with. I dare not be honest, I’ll get locked up. That’s what I heard anyways.

Excuse me for never knowing your wants or situation. Last I heard you were involved with someone then I miss a call from you? OPEN COMMUNICATION was the very first packet we ever reviewed together. I still can’t reach you. The farm you said you lived at, there must be two of them.. Who knows, HER parents are probably YOUR parents helping you hide. Being scared shows vulnerability. Am I sexy yet?

NOTE: I recognize I am hard on myself. That’s why I always pushed you to grow. I felt she would/ you would definitely say something if I was too hard. I wanted some pushback. I still don’t know what I’m doing.

Posts and Notes INDIRECTLY REFERRING to you are in the hundreds. I’m sorry I felt so blind. I’m using that energy! Am I allowed to call you baby, yet? Are my therapists going to look at me wrong and scare me out of accurately expressing myself!?

I’m not too worried because as it’s always been they’ll read my sh!t then not say a word until I break down, cry, take it all back and ask why?

They’ll look at me, please don’t refer to our actions bringing you down. Our hesitations are normal sh!t for these other antagonists, They’ll ask me to and demand me biting my tongue.

That is why I put my walls up so high. I could not get through to you without sending bouquets of roses to the wrong address, wrong girl and alike (She lick me like a lollipop!) 🎶

IF YOU EVER CALL AGAIN please leave a number I can safely reach you at.

01/04/2021

I’d be sending you heartfelt songs, my daily artwork and love letters if I could even find a way to ensure you got em.

Yea, I used pop as a scapegoat. Tell him I’m sorry. I don’t mean offense to him at all. I asked myself how can I shake this piggy bank even harder. I threw everything plus the sink to see if you could handle me not being 100. Have a great day love bug! ❤️❤️❤️❤️🎶✅👋

Try telling me YOU LOVE ME! I’m sorry I didn’t have a way to grow comfortable talking openly too. It’s not because I didn’t try.

Thanks for the energy, b! I ❤️ u

I’m ready. 🧽

01/05/2021

Yea, yesterday was a GREAT DAY!

I had a therapy session that added to my focus! That felt good. She didn’t dictate. She breathed through my affectionate language like a professional.

If I were to bring up stuff today, I’d tell you no wonder I stared blankly so often. I’ve grown up accustomed to the few ladies I know inside and out constantly mouthing off. Straight up.

I’ll tell ya too, I’d much rather get involved with a woman that sees me through my insecurities rather than one that thinks I know exactly what I’m doing every second of the day.

“Love is fragile. And we’re not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can. And hope this fragile thing survives against all odds.”

Nicholas Sparks

Did I say mouthing off? Oops! What I meant to say was many women I know have it their way or unleash hell. It doesn’t matter if it’s just screeching at the top of their lungs, throwing valuables, kicking DADS out or JUST TALKING STERNLY.

These other beautiful creatures, may, just may have my guard permanently up. I’m very sorry. I’ve said my peace. I hope you’re still out there, little lady!

11:35a

Yeah right Jim! Get out of here! These girls want nothing to do with me. If they did want to converse all along they would have given me a way to reach them!

I just… I just… I just got home from the gym, ate a slice, hit the bowl and am about to nap! This is my flow. I’m sorry ma’am, I never got a chance to open the door… or at least communicate verbally it’s been a passage unblocked the whole freaking time. You danced and carried on as far as I knew once you left my place.

Spent the whole night. In my dreams once in awhile. I love to sleep until 4a, wake up, set a timer and get 60 more in.

Hustle, buckle and ask for help, I’ll never realize what I could have had until it’s too late, huh!?

I date you in my dreams. Please!? Jesus only knows how pure my love is.

I’d offer to pay for everything and let you save up for something pretty all you’d like. If you’d like to spike the ball and head to the bleachers, I can roll with that.

For the last time!…. I was and am scared just sitting on the side of my bed. Meet me here, instead. I’ve kept the seats warm, baby. Maybe, you’ll hear me squealing, appealing to top talent someday soon. I’ll Hope.

Shh… smch! I’ve got your nose. 💋🥰❤️

I AM actively working to let this go yet:

01/06/2021

Hey Watermelon 🍉,

I heard you’re full of juices!

All the kids from the block scream, and only ever stop for you. I cannot wait til the summer has me running under the sprinkler with you. If you touch my lips, I taste the salt of your sweat. Grow plump and high, planted seeds. I hoped all along you’d roll with the times and understand I was frightened. And now., I get jailed for being a lover, a romance fiction novelist, a great stand in for husband of the year.

I had to stamp ya a foe for my health. I still get blasted for saying yea I did have feelings. I was scared. But, daily, my reader’s digest the stomach hurling curse words I whisper under my breath.

Ya, be my guest. Let’s see your insecurities written publicly. You can’t do anything that requires me on your own anymore. I cut you off. I cry over that daily. Two steps forward, one back. We ate out of each other’s hands but me mentioning that gets people hurling and getting mad at me so I hang it up.

I hinted to how things could have worked weekly. All you had to do was reassure me or sit down with somebody that lives with me, me and you at a round table. We could have held hands and you could have spoken up for us. Actually advocating for my growth, suggesting taking me under your wing. You were in the right spot to show me a world of love past stares. My counseling team opens their eyes to my work, shuts down, reads it all in like two breaths, as fast as they can and I feel horrible about them not seeing the love and energy behind my words.

The current lady reads my work, gets silent then asks me did we use names? Is it appropriate? Yada yada yada.

Oh thanks for the support.

Leave your number. That’s all you gotta do! I will contact you when I’m not squeamish, hyperventilating or around a bunch of people. I’ll text if talking would be too awkward yet. Thanks!

Dear Stressors:

Audio

I just dialed my phone then stared at the number dialed for a good two or three minutes. (Felt Brave!) (That list sure is growing!)

It’s funny because these artists I work with encourage me to love then scowl when I try to.

5:32 – “Sorry Ma! I got choked up. “

Sorry Miss Jackson…

01/07/2021

I absolutely believe it’s bull I’ve been carrying this cross for so long. “People” threatened the sh!t out of me for smiling at her. I guess you hid the flower pots and handwritten letters I sent, huh!?

Ask her about speaking softly. Tell her pa’s right here waiting to sweep her off her feet. Is it my fault I could never get through? Tell her I’m still Hoping. I’ll try her again once I know I’m safe and have 2 minutes of privacy.

Before I let this go too…

I do still love individuals. 👀

A few days before we unhitched and I told her to get out, I asked myself how long do you think it’ll be until she’s married to another client. She upped that ante by tying the knot with exactly who I thought she would, her best clients dad.

Sorry I held my bets and wanted to see some faithfulness. Hats off to her for calling a few times. Did you know that there is another girl with the same name, same heritage and a similarly looking residence?

The similar names is what got me. The fact that they worked at the same company and people lied to my face, to hide things scared me. 💪🧽😁

I’m still discouraged from smiling with an euphoric look in my eyes. She inspired and still gets me moving mountains daily!

I’m “NOT ALLOWED” to show her or anyone else God’s Love without the wardens coming down on me!

The people I live with do not approve of me, the linguist, using certain words.

Words like LOVE

Words like ENERGY

Words like I CARE

Words like IM SORRY

Poetry this morning will probably sound apathetic at best.
God forgive me for feeling I need to test. More than A FEW of the lifelines I depend on for support, meals being made, emotional wellbeing and services, I feel are a bit off their rocker. I won’t go into detail for that WOULD BE dwelling.

I should be at the gym for at least 90 minutes today with Jim, my grandfather. HIM AND I are doing great. We are in our lanes and pushing hard! Get out there, make me proud!

P.S

It’s disheartening at best to hear everybody else can have THEIR THUTHS, but when I, an innocent, hard working gentleman shares his POV, he gets nothing but redirected and shamed. Bye!

I’m REALLY not sure I can count on these people to see me through my backslides. They can’t even read words on the screen detailing unsure feelings and hopes I wish they would allow me to internalize. I can’t stand up for myself without identifying what realities don’t mesh with my mental wellbeing. I’m constantly fighting listening to them vs. knowing what’s right. They all, or most from what I know cut the line.

Sooo Baby, you might now see I could use your input to construct a life worth living. These people I work with hold my heart string activity against me. They still bug me over lighting matches and putting them out. They consciously work to make me shut up. Don’t ever feel I wanted anybody to suffer. I was scared of this same sh!t happening. I should have just stuck it out and earned such discipline. Heart beats freak them out. I smile knowing you’re not stuck here anymore. I doubt I could have given you a comparable life.

Yo’ mama is a freak. She should ask questions gently if she doesn’t want to hear me breathing on the phone.

01/08/2021

GET AT ME!

Please understand, ma’am,

I gotta play by their Frkn rules. You know we’d be wed, working on child number two by now and over the moon in joy. Thanks