Hahahaha, what!?


Do not read this unless you read it all the way through today’s update. People picking my output apart without reading the whole thing p!ss me off.

Ok, fine, lemme try things this way this week. Lemme just group all the people who lie straight to my face, tell me I’m incorrectly holding the only people I see accountable and who get away breaking their own rules losers.

That’s 95% of the people I work with btw. At least I won’t be twisting my own tongue all day choking on their mistruths.

Nic, “Nikki”👋 (Alias that I usually use for people that scare me because I like them too much and cannot get ahold of them without fighting resistance) (We/ I send kisses!). 😘❤️💪

Sasha. 👋 (Alias that I might use next)

You fancy feens messed things up. The kitchens hot. Toughen up or get out of here. Stop lying to me in my dreams too. I’m on the brink of collapse and you get nothin but told good job.

Hats off to my newest cream puff psychologist. She’s enough to die for. Actually reading my posts and emails and thinking boy I see exactly where he’s coming from. She respects the man in me. She respects the sweet and sour sides. She talks things out with me not with everybody but me.

THERE WE GO, ya good? Thanks. Me too.

Oh ps. Ernie, Nancy you disgust me. I have more issues from not even talking to you two than I do 19+ years of hell on earth. Shoulders clean!

(If I’m afraid to call you, ask questions and/ or write you an email asking honest questions, f#ck you. You are toxic and I do not have the additional energy needed to deal with you)

My back already hurts! I’m tired of carrying you too!

I see this post as a milestone in using names that scare me as tools to identify stressors!!!!

Hey Nikki! I was scared!!!

Hey D, cheer up!

Hey Deena! I’ll always have you as an example of efficiency!

Hey Nicole:

Made Tori a cake for her birthday!

Anybody losing it over my motivations and affection-rate can get over themselves. I’m free. I’m not fond of toxic people or relationships where I need to be scared of asking personal and honest questions.

Those crying now are insecure and halting MY PROGRESS!

Putting a lid on it!

10/15/2020

Please vocalize what you want. I hate assuming.

People hate me being the Hulk. They hate it when I’m Prince Charming They don’t like me being vulnerable, trying to give them what they want. Hiiiii NM, SP, LJ, EP! ❤️

People encourage me to go after what I want but freak tf out when I move in that direction and follow my heart. ❤️😊🔥

10:1 people will complain before even reading the whole post!

“Hopelessly Devoted,” look it up. It’s my picture.

Goodnight! 8:05pm

10/16/20

7:42a and HANDLED!

10:17a

10/17/2020 (6:35am)
yea, I wish I felt comfortable saying I trusted most of the people I work/have worked with.
It probably has to do with OE. Obvious effort means a lot to me. If I can’t get ahold of you that means you’re putting walls up.
I’ve written wrong girls hurling my affection at individuals who look like, smell like, sound a lot like and answer my pleas. I’ve ruined lives being so dedicated to stand-ins, infuriated parents, gotten mamas raging. I’ve done it all, that’s my fault?
I’ve called the farmhouse you told me you lived at hundreds of times, gotten blasted, I’m looking for a straight jacket.

I gotta go to the gym SOON. Curl these girls. Dam.

My deficits include MANNING UP, taking the reigns, being vulnerable on purpose, being too invested, too dedicated, too accountable, calling slackers out.. f#ck.
I ruminate on b!tches named Nikki, Diane, Darian, Nancy, Ernie I wake up scared every morning. These people only show their faces when I’m being scolded. I felt the affection she had for me. I could not even be nice without being written up, threatened, and chased into my room.

Come out of hiding, sweetheart.. I’m right here where you left me. I apologize for protecting myself, fearing consequences and feeling alone through most of this.

Might as well fill you in on.. these girls that are “out of bounds,” watched me use the bathroom every time we worked together. They sat on my yoga bench/stretching table and stared at me. That’s some truth I could have kept to myself but you @ holes wanted honesty, right!?

MORE HONESTY, Diane Antonacci -and the rest of these antagonists are talked about throughout 95% of my counseling sessions. Since I never hear back from these people, I resist feeling bad for identifying them, my stressors!

Drama leads to trauma and I’m “not at my best” we’ll call it, more than warranted yet I’m held responsible for that among other things.

Just a hint too, so far I’ve done 85% of these b!tch therapists jobs for them while they worked with me. That’s frustrating. No recognition, praise, healthy reinforcement, nothin’… EXCEPT for that sweet pine cone “Nik” who cherished the ground I walked on. ❤️’s baby! I’m still hoping.

Anddd.. mutha fuck!n right, I would have proposed to you by now if 1. I could get ahold of you, 2. Such toxic people didn’t think they were in charge of my output and 3. I didn’t need to fear an asswhooping by Ernie, Nancy, Darian, Diane, and “Mick!”

People that blow up and blow everything out of proportion without asking questions are lame as sh!t and not worth my time, energy, love, ok babyyyy!?

If you read something that offends you without it being addressed to you, that’s on you. ✌🏻

You f#ckers have me afraid to be a gentleman, afraid to flatter women unconditionally, afraid to show and share my heart. Y’all got me locked up in my room/ CAGE!

I’m coming for you next, b!tch!

🤣– me be mindful? How about you be mindful? How about I refuse to talk to you unless I’m being paid? How about I hide then get upset no ones coming for me? How about I start calling you out for made up stuff like you do me? Huhhhh!? GTFOH

10/18/20

5:15 AM – Sitting up, Probiotics down, smiling wide. 😊. (I’m currently being mindful trying to categorize certain thought waves as stressors, give me props!)

Most days wagon-full of tangential thoughts include or at least start with I’ve been “hunting” a local girl with the same exact name as another local girl. Their dads have the same name, supposedly live on identical farms, excuse me for showing effort, friends.

I PUT A LID ON IT by 5:40 AM

“Yeaa, Son. Get out of here” Me, to my own thoughts.

12 hours later, starting to wind down a great day..

Root beer float with chocolate peanut butter ice cream 🍨

10/19/2020

“Metacognition implies stepping back and looking at the whole.”

And baby… I love looking at you from back here..

10/20/2020

10/21

(Waking up SLIGHTLY DEFENSIVE blows)

Umm yeah, if I feel like I’m being set up when you ask me if I love you, I will most likely deny you. I want to feel secured and supported opening the door. I hope that’s ok. Just tell me Dw I got you. It’s not wrong to feel you do better with more support.

10/22

Parade last night.

45 minute session
8 minutes on treadmill
30 lbs on shoulder pulldowns
35 lbs best on back extensions

Holding onto my protein for dear life!

10/23/2020

Your Personal Invite:

😇😘🔥❤️

Training w/ Nick at 5p at my home gym.
We are going to start studying and practicing deadlift form using my homemade bar.

10/25/20

This morning I yelled gratitude and endearment at the wall again.

Yesterday, Jim, my new trainee Nick and I all lifted together.

We hit some CHEST AND SHOULDERS and some back and treadmill. BICEPS AND TRICEPS TOO!

I got a lot of positive reinforcement. That felt good. Nick was impressed. He is trainee no. 4 or 5 to date stepping up their game! UNDER MY SUPERVISION!

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