Babygirl.. just a few things:
1 I am so sorry I’m so afraid to write you openly.
2 I wish we could talk each morning and every night. Even if it’s just to wish you a good morning and sweet dreams.
3 I am so ashamed of my defensive and protective actions.
4 You help me make it through every single day.
5 I want to be there for you now, tomorrow and every day.
6 I’m still hoping for the best outcome. If that means I never see you again, I hope you remember me at my best. 😭
7 I understand I’m way off target even dreaming of you.
8 The anticipated resistance I undoubtedly face constantly is HEARTBREAKING.
9 I only ever put my walls up because I was afraid. Afraid of “THE RESISTANCE,” my soft nature getting the best of me (balling my eyes out) to make a scene and you being way out of my league.
10 I really hope either you come galloping on a white steed to get me or this post helps me put an end to my far-fetched, dream-like fairytale fascinations.
A number, or P.O. Box or email address I was actually encouraged to reach out to would be more than enough. I am doing overtime trying to piece together subtle anomalies like the color of the kitchen towels matching my favorite tone of embers on a given Thursday enough to convince myself to send a heartfelt letter to a past place of residence. I just want to see you smile, hear you laugh, look forward to seeing you.
It breaks me to pieces, when individuals don’t encourage me to be overflowing with love and affection. I am in counseling for that.
(I’m sorry I’m crying right now) I understand individuals looking down on me for showing such vulnerability but each time they “test me” I feel I get a bit of useful energy.
Keep up the great work being a light in my mind. I got yelled at for even using the word “affection.”
We both wanted it to work between us, I didn’t feel safe showing affection. I am scared to use certain words around certain people. Would you have stood up for me?
Yeah, if I even speak mutter the word AFFECTION, people flip sh!t. That wreaks havoc on me as a person. I end up being afraid to show pleasantries and give people the love and respect they deserve. I tend to get defensive of my standoffishness too.
It’s very hard for me to continue kissing my helps asses, managements asses, my sisters asses, my moms ass and test the waters, grow comfortable with loving people all at the same time. Rude people cause me to be horrible to people that want to love me.
My “therapists” are having me read books on feelings. I know how to feel. I am too emotional more often than not. That scares people who want the best for me.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I look forward to screwing up and experiencing life. Get out of my lane, you distractions!
#addtomyfire or be a #wetballoon
Hey Nik, I did love you back. I still do. I’m sorry I let my stressors get me cowering in fear. I can’t find you. I’ve already gotten in trouble trying my best to. Don’t blame me for not speaking up if we did see eye to eye since we’ve lost touch. Ya, it would have been twice as easy for you to speak up..