Facts though, I get scared when I feel close to people. I know my tendency to cut and saw people off when I get scared is the reason I push a lot of people away. The more compatible people are the ones who end up getting the boot.
I truly feel and know it’s more than likely a result of me caring too much. When I don’t see reciprocity to everything I put in, I encourage people to meet me halfway. I’ve ruined phenomenal working “associations” MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE.
Hopefully by the end of this post everyone in that group feels and recognizes my tendency to slice and dice peoples hearts is a defensive mechanism I’ve used to create distance, stay safe and save my heart. What hurts is individuals refuse to see my weaknesses in the confidence area as me being too attached, fragile, defensive and offensive. I do put other people’s walls up around me because I’m not secure in my comfort in being carried as much as I carry others softness, quiet and delicate nature.
Before long, I will resort to running a stake through the hearts of the people I look up to and drive them away to draw chalk lines on the pavement. I don’t respect myself in that area because I ruin and deny momentum I’ll never get back. It’s not straight forward for me due to wavering support.
When establishing an independent life and feeling like your supports are definitely not going to let certain inconsistencies slide, you get scared. Especially when you get ribbed for being human and expressing fondness/ respect and thanks.
Ps – not reading my output is NOT the way to try to stay on the same page. Thanks for your patience while I work through these difficulties 100% by myself. (Please, if I ever cut you off try loving me harder and letting me know you got me.) I freaking get accused of being horrible to people because I resort to being horrible to people. In one sense, the ruder I am with you, the more I like you. Sometimes.
Bullshit in the situation is I’m intimidated. Made to be scared, not allowed to ever mutter or share excitement even with the degree of flow between others and myself. I’m “not allowed” to hit LIKE, let my truly compassionate soul show or let my guard down. Once I try to, others get scared I’m too attached. THIS IS A HUGE DEALBREAKER, REASON I RESERVE RESPECT, REASON FOR DISTAIN and what’s really, really lovely is people that should want to understand me, get angry and upset I’m too invested.
If you want to support me continuing to make such progress the best that you can, PLEASE start encouraging me to say I love people. Stop OVERREACTING to me getting comfortable with people and understand 1. God’s love is infinite and we are supposed to share that love as much as we can and 2. The more I feel comfortable with whoever I’m working with, the more progress I make.
ENCOURAGING comfort expressing myself, as simple as it is may very well be the final boost I’ve needed to get over the last hurdles I face. I’d appreciate the effort.